SELF IDENTITY

BY DAPHNE JEANE KEARNEY

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Self neglect runs so deep with me, but it's enabled by a distorted self-image. I'm a transwoman, and I have borderline personality disorder and DID. Without a true sense of identity, self care for me has been whatever I needed to give myself in order to best relate to my authorities. That's not to say that we don't know how to give self care, but with 26 personalities, each of us needing different elements, balancing our needs is exhausting.

FND has been a boon for me. FND obliterated my life. Well, my old life, I have this one now. I tell people that I don't want my old life back. Really, I've spent so much time learning to live the FND way, why would I go back to boring? I can't work. I can't drive. I stay at home. There's no other way to put it- FND is saving my life in a way I could have never imagined. I've never rested. Ever. Sleep came when, exhausted, I collapsed into bed and woke the next morning. All the time I was battling mental illnesses, IBS, tinnitus and pain. 

Then FND showed up, and it's been the best tool for self-care for me. I never knew when I was stressed, or angry, or... anything! With FND, it's obvious: my arms start flailing. Often enough, I will have a spasm or convulsion or tic that, over time, is providing me clues to even the most deeply buried, subconscious problems. "Oh, I'm doing the 'wobble my arm to the right thing', so I must be afraid of an upcoming conversation"... I have to listen to my body. I have no choice but to listen.

And so now I have a way to cope. However oddly, FND has helped me learn what I need to work on, leading me out of the self-neglect nightmare I've lived for 45 years.